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MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster, scientists at the University of Miami warned Friday that Florida could be completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021. “Our projections show that the Sunshine State will be beneath 70 to 80 inches of pythons and copperheads as early as this time next year,” said lead researcher Desmond Shankir, painting a dire picture of a near future in which all but the most elevated points in Florida would be subsumed by a writhing mass of hissing and slithering. “We’ve seen that serpent levels have continued to rise over the past decades, and when compounded with the health issues associated with venom and the sheer mass of shed skins, we could see millions of snake-related refugees flooding into Georgia and Alabama.” Shankir urged Americans to do their part to stem the tide by turning off their electronics to go kill a bunch of snakes.


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