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What I Learned – 27 Hilariously Brutal Marriage Tweets That Belong In The Hall Of Fame

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Updated 55 minutes ago. Posted 4 hours ago

“Sent my husband nudes, and he asked me which mole I was worried about.”

We rounded some of the funniest recent tweets about marriage we could find, and I only felt slightly guilty for how hard I laughed:

1.

Marriage year 1: Your sneezes are so cute.

Marriage year 10: For the love of God! I hope your head explodes.

08:45 PM – 22 Jul 2020

3.

Wife: That’s a new shirt.

Me: It was on sale.

Wife: Was it free?

Me: No.

Wife: You paid too much.

12:53 AM – 08 Jul 2020

4.

overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf

01:43 AM – 19 Jul 2020

5.

My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.”

04:39 PM – 25 Jul 2020

7.

Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it’s true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he’s still alive.

12:46 PM – 25 Jul 2020

8.

[during sex]

Me: hurt me

Wife: I call my dad when you leave the house to ask him how to fix your renovation mistakes.

Me: wait-

Wife: I secretly hired a landscaping company to take care of the grass because your lawn care skills are severely lacking.

05:48 PM – 21 Jun 2020

9.

Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story… turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask.

12:10 AM – 17 Jul 2020

10.

My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.

07:21 PM – 13 Jul 2020

11.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

04:01 AM – 12 Jul 2020

13.

My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.

02:19 PM – 07 Jul 2020

14.

My wife leaving for Pilates every Thursday morning for the last two years: I’m leaving.

Me: Where’re you going?

02:54 PM – 23 Jul 2020

15.

Husband: I think we need to talk about…
Me: I don’t like where this is heading.
Husband: Where do you think it’s heading?
Me: A conversation.

07:59 PM – 20 Jul 2020

16.

The success of my marriage is measured by how many times a week I say, “I told you so” to my husband.

12:14 AM – 29 Jul 2020

18.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

01:23 PM – 13 Jun 2020

19.

Wife: I need another beer.
Me: Another one?
Wife: Yeah. I’ve had an awful day.
Me: What? You were with me all day.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want it in a chilled glass or

01:00 AM – 20 Jul 2020

21.

me: i’m gonna go get a cookie
wife: have some fruit instead
me: but i want a cookie
wife: fruit is better for you
me: okay, fine
wife: you’ll thank me later
me:

04:04 PM – 25 Jul 2020

22.

So it turns out that my husband is allergic to my new cat. Sadly, I have to rehome him.

Anyone interested in a sneezing middle aged man?

06:30 PM – 08 Jun 2020

23.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

06:05 PM – 25 Jul 2020

24.

New marriage vows should include: I will laugh with you, and not at you. Unless you try to make a Tiktok video with the kids.

12:48 AM – 16 Jul 2020

25.

Me: I need everyone in the van in ten minutes.

Wife: Not enough time. You should have stated earlier.

Me: Like when?

Wife: Yesterday.

08:08 PM – 10 Jul 2020

If you think these people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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