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Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.
Q: What caused the flooding?
A: Water. Same as always.
Q: Where are the failing dams located?
A: The skin flap between the pointer finger and the middle finger.
Q: Is everything wet?
A: Yes, experts have confirmed that everything is wet as fuck.
Q: What impact has the flooding had on the state’s coronavirus response?
A: Hypocritical government officials are now demanding citizens evacuate their homes, completely contradicting their previous stay-at-home order.
Q: How large is the evacuation?
A: About 10,000 people and roughly 73 different toxins from the Dow Chemical complex.
Q: Could this disaster have been prevented?
A: No, it’s just one of those things that no one can predict, except the EPA in 2017.
Q: What are we doing to prevent future flooding on this scale?
A: Top experts are working to ensure it never rains in Michigan again.
Q: Is this the worst disaster in Michigan history?
A: No, that would be the 42-39 loss to Ohio State in 2006.