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What I Learned – Krill-Eating Whale Too Fucking Cowardly To Prey On Something Its Own Size

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PACIFIC OCEAN—Noting that the “pathetic jerk” evidently couldn’t be bothered to engage in a fair fight, onlooking ocean life confirmed Monday that a local krill-eating humpback whale was too fucking cowardly to prey on something its own size. “Wow, real mature. Why don’t you go after something that weighs more than .08 ounces for once?” said a squid who wished to remain anonymous, expressing disgust at the whale’s insistence on preying on tiny crustaceans who “don’t stand a chance” against it. “Oh yeah, just go ahead and float through the water and suck down thousands of those tiny guys who you know can’t fight back. Guess you must feel pretty confident going after something that’s 0.00002% of your size. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go after a shark for once, you fucking pussy.” At press time, onlookers reportedly felt a deep sense of satisfaction after the whale was killed by a yacht speeding past at 16 knots. 

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