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SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, fully out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven complete randos had been discovered lifeless. “All seven have been found final night time inside a number of miles of one another, main investigators to only go, um, what?” mentioned Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling reporters that detectives had been unable to determine these killed however believed that they had seemingly spent their final moments hanging out being large weirdos. “As of this time, we’re nonetheless determining what their entire deal was, however we will definitively state that the circumstances surrounding their demise have been hella sketchy. I imply, whats up, who simply dies out within the woods like that?” At press time, the case had reportedly turn out to be tremendous awkward after the reason for demise in all seven instances was dominated to be blunt pressure trauma to the cranium.