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God Admits There Was Probably A Better Way Of Giving Humans Taste Of Heavenly Bliss Than Opioids


HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God admitted Wednesday that He could probably have devised a better way to give humans a taste of heavenly bliss than opioids. “I just wanted man to have a preview of how awesome the afterlife will be—just the briefest glimpse, mind you—but it seems as if I once again gave them an inch and they took a mile,” said the ruler of all the universe in a rare admission of His ill-considered, if well-intentioned, contribution to the crisis-level prescription pain reliever abuse currently afflicting the United States. “It’s the whole knowledge-of-good-and-evil thing all over again, isn’t it? Except this time, I probably should have made, say, oranges feel this amazing instead of picking a physically debilitating and addictive substance.” The Lord also expressed misgivings about interweaving the ineffable fragrance of heaven with that of spray paint fumes.


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