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Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes

WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these felonies—embezzlement, tax evasion, insider trading—and all I want is to join in and be a part of it,” said the bashful congressman from South Carolina, adding that he knows a lot about racketeering and wire fraud, as well as making false statements to federal investigators, and would thus have a lot to offer. “I saw a group of high-ranking congressmen chatting the other day, and I wanted to ask if I could join their money-laundering scheme, but I lost my nerve. It’s so intimidating to approach these guys because they’ve been committing crimes together for years, even decades. But I know if someone gave me a chance, I could prove I’m every bit as seedy as they are. I’ve been misusing public funds on my own for so long—imagine how much we could steal if we worked together!” Olsen added that maybe he could impress his colleagues by inviting them out on the boat he bought with campaign contributions.

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