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Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial

ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial. “Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my closest friends,” said Macanga, a warlord personally responsible for the brutal slaughter of thousands of innocent women and children during the Angolan Civil War. “When I was down on my luck during a particularly difficult diamond smuggling operation, Paul stood by me. And when I was almost assassinated in a coup by my own soldiers, Paul lent me the money to pay the mercenary I used to hunt down and murder the families of those who betrayed me. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that defendant right there, Paul Manafort.” At press time, Manafort’s defense called up their next witness, a trembling former intern who insisted his boss was a great guy who never once threatened to break his fucking legs so bad he’d be walking sideways the rest of his life.

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