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Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed

ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m running late for an important date in Moscow. Ciao, Robert,” said Butina, who tossed a French tickler on the special counsel’s bare chest before emptying his wallet, grabbing his gun and FBI identification, and pocketing a small flash drive. “Don’t take this too personally, Robert, I’ve had a lot of fun, but I just don’t think we have much of a future together. You can always drop me a line next time you’re in Russia.” At press time, Butina was in the back of a limousine, wiping away a tear while gazing at the necklace Mueller had gifted her earlier that day.

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