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Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote
WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks of opposing the welfare state on a non-corporate level, I get an incredible rush by voting across the aisle,” said Ryan, noting the “delicious transgressive spice” of joining hands with Democratic members of Congress to fund the Veterans Administration’s efforts to provide mental health counseling for American soldiers who had been wounded in combat. “That was wrong. I know that. But there’s an upside to this—after the thrill of my brief rebellious phase fades, I’ll realize I actually provided help for American citizens, and the anger and regret I feel over that will help keep me on the straight and narrow party line for the rest of the year.” At press time, the House speaker had been sighted on his hands and knees in the street in front of Capitol building, pledging between spasms of dry heaving that he would never let himself slip up like that again.