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How Will Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Affect The Supreme Court?

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Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will have on the nation’s highest federal court.


New old white guy to sit up there


Could result in split 4-4 rulings for the foreseeable future as Senator Mitch McConnell will block any nominations until after the next election


Liberal justices’ dissents to be 86% more blistering


Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer permitted to leave sterilized glass dome in Supreme Court chambers


In a small but significant win for progressives, Justice Stephen Breyer will receive a slightly better chair


Supreme Court will better reflect nation by not having any moderate conservatives


Hey, maybe Merrick Garland will get another shot!


Court softball team will likely falter without Kennedy’s .357 batting average and eight home runs


No July birthdays on justice calendar now


Creates the most conservative Supreme Court until Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies


Discounted Newspapers


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